Sunday, July 30, 2006

The Hills Have Eyes (2006)

I'm not sure which I should be more scared of ...

a) I've now lived through a bad movie remake (the original Hills Have Eyes movie was 1977)
b) Hollywood is so devoid of original material that they remade this movie
c) I actually paid to see this movie on PPV.

What I was definitely not scared of was the movie itself. Horrible piece of crap.

I tuned in because they promised atomic mutants. They delivered on at least that. Boring, repetitive atomic mutants. It did have some surprises, like who gets killed first, etc.. Not everything was your boilerplate zombie movie predictability.

I came away from the movie with one main question: why are atomic mutants and zombies always superhuman? 99% of the time, mutants you see in the movies are super strong. Like C.H.U.D.s. They were super strong and cannabalistic (hence the C in C.H.U.D.). Godzilla... he was an atomic mutant. Super strong, almost indestructable except to opponents like Mothra. Spiderman... atomic spider mutant. The Hulk. That's a good one.

In the real world, mutants are weak. I've come across a few, at bars in San Francisco, and I've kicked all their asses. The reality of the atomic mutant situation would be much more dire than the movies make out. A world of atomic mutants would be one that required a lot of meals on wheels and such.

The bottom line is, I'm tired of the atomic mutant in film. The ol' "nukes are bad, here's the nuclear badness represented in terms of atomic mutants" meme just doesn't carry the same weight that it might have in 1962 or 1947.

As a moviegoer, I say, screw atomic mutants. Attention Hollywood: you won't get me to watch a movie again just by claiming you have them in there. They always end up having the same stupid bad makeup with a bubble face or bad teeth, a large head, whatever. Atomic mutants suck! I'd rather watch the Atomic Bomb Movie if I wanted to see something atomic.

Rating: Bad/Bad. I'd be surprised if it ever made it to HBO.

Monday, July 17, 2006

The Shaggy Dog (2006)

I couldn't help but watch this on a plane to Chicago this weekend. I was that bored.

I mostly watched this movie without sound, but here's what I've always wondered: why is it that when a person gets turned into a dog, they can only bark? You'd think that if a person's brain was represented in a dog's body, they'd be able to figure out how to use the dog's vocal chords to enunciate something other than "Woof!"

Even dogs with dog brains can be taught to enunciate. Here's a dog saying "I love you" on Letterman

Here're more examples of talking dogs:

So why, WHY does every movie where someone turns into an animal have that person just able to make animal sounds?

Maybe I'm reading too much into stupid Tim Allen movies. Besides Galaxy Quest, does this guy have any good movies? He might be the biggest sell-out actor in all of Hollywood. After doing Toy Story he'll do anything Disney throws a bag of money at him to do. Most of them involve him changing into something like a dog or santa claus.

And yet people still pay for these movies. When will you people learn??

Rating: Bad/Bad